Taking It Like a Man and The Fear Factor

Two of the comments I received to my blog entry of January 20th about Dr. Phil reminded just how far people will go to hold steadfast to their convictions no matter what evidence may be presented to the contrary.

Matt wrote, “Finally men are learning how to get their balls back and stand up to women. “Anonymous” wrote quite a lengthy comment that I will summarize here: Dr. Phil is right, size does matter and that she [the wife on the show] doesn't have to be perfect, she can yell, scream and throw things…this doesn’t make her the abuser. Men need to step up to the plate and start being men, they need to take leadership of their families and stop relying on women to fix things for them. Men need to stop other men from abusing women and stop laughing about women being abused. If the guy on the show was fearful for his life why doesn't he just leave? So what if this guy locked himself in a closet and his car to escape her…big deal…he should take it like a man.

The risks of manning up are high:

Some people just don’t get that men in abusive relationships have much more to fear than physical violence and that standing up for one’s self as a man in these situations is tantamount to being on a suicide mission. Abusive women can and do use the system put in place to protect true victims to their advantage so that they can manipulate their victims and situations. Abusive women tell their partners things like, “Go ahead and call the police, who do you think they will believe me or you?” and “If you ever leave me I will ruin you and make damn sure you never see the kids again.” Abused men do live in fear because they know that their abusive partners can make good on these threats.

“Manning up” is a sure fire way for an abused man to lose everything he values and treasures in life; his children, his reputation, his property, and his bank account, not to mention his life. Male victims who have called our helpline have reported that they have awoken in the middle of the night to find that their partners were standing over them holding a gun or knife and threatening to kill them.

In addition, battered women’s advocates have made a point of reminding us that abusive men do not need to use physical violence to put fear in their victims, just the threat of violence is enough to keep women from leaving her abusive partners or telling anyone about what’s going on in their homes. So it stands to reason that abusive women also know the right buttons to push to put fear in men.

It is a common misconception that men are stronger and bigger and therefore the only ones that can cause “injury” in relationships fraught with violence. Thinking only in terms of size and strength perpetuates the stereotype that men are strong and women are weak, is that really the message we want to leave for the next generation?

Ever wonder why some people continue to hold onto myths and misconceptions that defy common sense? Well, according to University of Illinois Psychology Professor and author Daniel Simons, (and Josh Landis and Mitch Butler of “The Fast Draw,”), when an issue has to do with our perceived safety, often times, facts and logic do not apply. Once a view becomes hardened and people see it as the truth it is extremely difficult to dispel. They say that it goes beyond simple resistance to admitting you are wrong, it has to do with how ideas take root in our brains. The first time we hear something it gets processed in an area deep in our brain called the hippo-campus but as we think about it and remember it the view gets written more deeply into our cerebral cortex. Rewriting those deep beliefs is especially hard. When false beliefs face new information that turns out to be the truth, the truth doesn’t always set people free.

If we want to truly end intimate partner violence we must change these outdated beliefs and views and accept that men can be victims and that their suffering is no less important than the sufferings of their female counterparts.

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month - Are You Aware? It's that time again, time for thousands of newspaper articles across the country that will educate and enlighten readers about domestic violence. However, the main theme of most if not all of these articles will be on violence against women by men as it has been for the last few decades. So if you are suffering from intimate partner violence and you are not a heterosexual women being beaten by a male partner then there won't be much if any acknowledgment about your situation. The other theme for this season of awareness is on what men (the non abuser kind) can do to stop violence against women. Although research on domestic violence over the last twenty years has found that both men and women in heterosexual and same sex relationships can be abusive towards their intimate partner this fact has been lost on the media and the mainstream domestic violence advocates. If one mentions that men can be on the receiving end of domestic violence the average person usually replies, "I never thought of that," or "Men can't be victims, they are much bigger and stronger than women." Since we as a society have been taught to define domestic violence as a women's issue funding, services and public awareness for anyone other than women (and children) abused by men is sorely lacking in this country. And the extent to which advocates for women will go to keep the focus on abused women and discredit, refute and ignore male victims never ceases to amaze me. The fore-mothers of the battered women's movement had little use for men early on in the movement especially since, according to them, men are the reason we have this social problem. However, over the last five years or so there has been a big push to get men involved in ending men's violence against women. There is a whole list of things that good men can do all year round but especially during October to end violence against women. *In Florida guys can wear high heels to raise awareness of domestic violence and march down the street *In Indiana, men can rally on the public square carry banners and wear t-shirts and lapel ribbons that proclaim the message: “Another Man Against Violence Against Women. And then there are the ten things that men can do everyday to end violence against women: 1. Acknowledge and understand how sexism, male dominance and male privilege lay the foundation for all forms of violence against women. 2. Examine and challenge our individual sexism and the role that we play in supporting men who are abusive. 3. Recognize and stop colluding with other men by getting out of our socially defined roles, and take a stance to end violence against women. 4. Remember that our silence is affirming. When we choose not to speak out against men’s violence, we are supporting it. 5. Educate and re-educate our sons and other young men about our responsibility in ending men’s violence against women. 6."Break out of the man box"- Challenge traditional images of manhood that stop us from actively taking a stand to end violence against women. 7. Accept and own our responsibility that violence against women will not end until men become part of the solution to end it. We must take an active role in creating a cultural and social shift that no longer tolerates violence against women. 8. Stop supporting the notion that men’s violence against women is due to mental illness, lack of anger management skills, chemical dependency, stress, etc… Violence against women is rooted in the historic oppression of women and the outgrowth of the socialization of men. 9. Take responsibility for creating appropriate and effective ways to develop systems to educate and hold men accountable. 10. Create systems of accountability to women in your community. Violence against women will end only when we take direction from those who understand it most, women. It's really great that we are all encouraged to be a part of the solution to end violence against women but domestic violence won't end by stopping part of the problem. It will only end when we as a society acknowledge that both men and women can be perpetrators as well as recipients of family violence and take steps to end all family violence.